Occupied premises.

Chiller

The telly is on. Your eldest is deeply involved in her mobile phone. The middle one is doing homework – reluctantly – at the dining table, and the youngest one is running a brightly coloured plastic car across your face, and occasionally the cat, whose tail twitches up each time it happens, like a warning cobra. Sooner or later the scenario with the cat is going to end badly, but it hasn’t yet. There is nothing on the telly, so of course you’re watching it.

Then there’s an awful crash – the sort of sound that unequivocally signals that something very, very bad is happening – from the front door. You give your spouse the sort of look that says “keep an eye on the kids”, and they understand, and you leave them, skidding out onto the tiles in your socked feet, wishing you hadn’t kicked your shoes off because…

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Did You Add The Will Ferrell Picture?

Daniel is funny

Did you add the Will Ferrell picture?

No?

Oh, you sad moron. You pathetic shit.

So, you’re telling me that you went ahead and posted a funny quote without first plastering it on a picture of Will Ferrell’s character from the hit comedy Anchorman? You’ve made a grave error, buddy.

Are you always this dumb? You do know that you can’t list “My mother dropped me on my head” under the “Experience” section of your comedy writing resume, right?  That, or “My drinking water is full of old paint chips.” You better hope that you get a daughter that you can sing the songs from Frozen with, or return home from war with an excited dog waiting for you, because, otherwise, you’ll never go viral. Internet popularity? For you? Not a chance, when you lack that amount of foresight.

You think that you’re clever enough to make it big…

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